By Lisa Lane Brown
Years ago, a sports reporter accosted golf legend Jack Nicklaus and told him that golf was primarily a game of luck, not skill. Jack said, “Yeah, and the funny thing is, the more I practice, the luckier I get.”
Relationships are just like golf: The more skilled we are, the more successful we are. Imagine if you could make yourself completely irresistible to friends, lovers and family. This is entirely possible, if you take Nicklaus’ advice and practice your skills – especially the secret skill of magnetic attraction that governs all relationships.
Remember Pavlov’s dogs? The dog is trained to associate a bell with food, so whenever a bell rings, he salivates and comes running. Well, unknown to you, the people in your life are trained to have involuntary reactions to certain magnetic attraction principles. All you need to do is communicate according to these principles, and people will respond by offering you love and friendship.
This is exciting; it means you never have to secretly fear that you are unlovable. By learning these principles, you can be successful with anyone, including people who may have rejected you in the past. People don’t gravitate toward you because of your qualities, personality or character. They gravitate toward you based on how they feel in your presence. This is why you can be madly in love with a person one day and divorce the very same person five years later.
The reason we don't know how to make ourselves irresistible is because it’s the opposite of what we've been taught. Most of us believe when a relationship is struggling, we should be extra nice, thoughtful and giving. These are wonderful qualities, but they are rarely the key to getting love or appreciation from someone who is withholding it from you.
A simple metaphor explains the secret magnetic attraction principle to making yourself irresistible. It’s called The Circle. Take out a piece of paper and draw a circle in it. Then, put the initials of the person you’re seeking love and affection from in the middle of the circle. Now, put your own initials outside the circle. This model shows you what a successful relationship looks like.
When you are inside another person’s circle, he has trouble connecting with his love and admiration for you. In the extreme, he may even develop contempt for you. When you are outside his circle, he appreciates you. He is attentive and considerate. He goes out of his way to connect with you. Often, staying outside the circle is the key magnetic attraction principle to making yourself irresistible.
How You Get Inside The Circle. We all get inside someone else’s circle from time to time – it’s natural. You do this when you use your connection with him to gain energy, happiness or self-acceptance. When you lean on a person psychologically like this, you violate a basic rule of attraction between people: Any person pursued runs away.
Sometimes, we lean in obvious ways:
- We call too often and talk too much, especially about ourselves.
- We wait around for him or her instead of making other plans.
- We ask for unnecessary assurance about our lovability.
- We call and tell him we’re “lonely, depressed and miserable.”
- We become bossy or controlling, checking up on her and judging her choices.
- We lay guilt trips: “You should have called.”
Psychological Leaning Repels Others. When you psychologically lean on people, you suffocate them because you force them to take on the burden of your feelings – when they’d much rather focus on their own.
Of course, we all lean psychologically from time to time. But, if you want to make yourself irresistible, you must get outside the circle. Here are three action steps you can take:
1. Stop Pursuing Immediately. The quickest and easiest way to get outside the circle is to stop pursuing him. Stop pursuing him in your behaviour and in your heart. Don’t be hostile, however. You can be responsive, friendly and even affectionate. You simply stop pursuing, which means you don’t initiate contact. Return calls, texts and e-mails, but not right away – and when you do respond, keep the contact brief. Eventually, when the relationship is more balanced, you can pursue again – but even then, contact him once for every three times he contacts you.
2. Stop Pressuring Him for Support. When you want a lover, husband, co-worker, or friend to show more support in the form of listening, affection or help, this creates tension in the relationship. There is stress because both people want different things. Both people think they are right, and both want to be in control. Everyone is stubborn when it comes to relationships. We all want our way. This is natural, but simply self-defeating when you’re trying to get ‘more’ from a person. If you ease off, and appreciate what he is giving, he’ll be more likely to give more. At the very least, you’ll be able to find out why he wasn’t being more supportive.
3. Stop Complaining and Criticizing. The final step is to stop complaining or criticizing. Why? Because when you complain or criticize, he stops seeing his behavior as the problem and starts seeing your complaining as the problem.
When you complain, you’re actually trying to make a request – but you’re so pessimistic that you’re attacking the other person instead of simply asking for what you want. This is very aggressive communication that repels people.
Fear, hurt and rejection are each like a hot potato. We feel hurt, we don’t know what to do with our hurt and it feels unbearable. So we criticize others as a way of throwing them the hot potato. It’s like you are saying, “Here, you have the hurt. I can’t handle it anymore.” Instead of complaining, make requests in a low-key, laid back way. Your lover or friend will appreciate your optimism, and you’ll feel proud of yourself for being more effective.
The beauty of the circle is that you can always jump outside it and become irresistible again, just by following these three simple steps.
Lisa Lane Brown is the author of the newly released, “The Courage to Win: A Revolutionary Mental Toughness Formula – How to Master Yourself to Make More Money, Fast Track Your Career, and Win in Love,” available at www.amazon.com. A three-time world champion athlete, Lisa has spent more than 14 years coaching business owners, executives and elite athletes to peak performance and success. Her client list includes SunLife Financial, BP Canada Resources and Accenture. For more information, visit www.TheCouragetoWin.com.